23 June 2008

this is my closet

It's officially summer and I hate it.

I hate the heat. I hate my summer wardrobe. I hate the sunshine. I hate the longer days.

With that said... Happy Summer!

I'm looking forward to this being the summer of the tan.
I love my new even shorter and sassier (now with great color) haircut.
I can't wait for summer vacation (thank god it's going to be in the land of winter).
And I'm going to end this summer a new person.

Ok, so here's the deal...
When My Heart and I started dating I was a slimmer and healthier me then I had been since the end of college. I've always been - let's say - curvy. I've gone through some bigger stages and I've been able to slim down when I've tried. My trying however, hasn't been in the healthiest of ways. I've gone to extremes and it wasn't pretty. 3 years ago I was alone and happy but that also meant I could do whatever I wanted to my body and nobody would ever know. 3 years ago I started dating My Heart and that all changed.

I've long since screwed up my metabolism and dating someone with the metabolism of a giraffe really messed with my head. He can eat an entire pizza in one sitting and still lose weight while I just look at the pizza and gain 5 pounds. I didn't pay much attention to this until I realized I had put on about 40 pounds in less than a year. Albeit there were emotional reasons I'm sure fueled the fire but my eating and laziness mixed with no more drastic measures did not look good.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life but I have never been as fat as I am now. Yes, I said it, I AM FAT. I've been working on changing that but it's been hard. I have joined a gym, I see a trainer 3 times a week on most weeks, I have tracked my food and exercise on SparkPeople. I know that the only way to fix this is through hard work and dedication but I hate that I feel so alone. My Heart has no idea what it's like to struggle with weight and body image issues. I have girlfriends who can relate but aren't currently in the same boat as I am nor have they ever been. The only one who really knows my pain is so far away.

That is, I was alone until last week. I had one of the most touching conversations on this issue with a male friend of mine, ME. Someone I never realized was wanting or needing this change like I am. He and I have made a pact to help each other through this misery once and for all. We realize it won't be easy - we're not even in the same country right now. But we've agreed to keep each other motivated and hold each other accountable. Set goals and actually reach them or else!

So here I am, laying it all out on the line for anyone and everyone to read. I'm going to do this. I am done being fat. I will run that 5k in September. I will reach a healthy weight by the end of this year. I will do this so that I can raise a family and be around to see them grow up. I will do this so My Heart will always think I'm the most beautiful. I will do this for Friend ME. I will do this for me.


Daniel Vasey said...

Oh darling, sorry to hear the bulge has reared it's ugly face again. If it makes you feel any better, I feel your pain. My weight goes up and down like a yo-yo. I've given up trying to be a thin fag and acknowledged the fact that I'll never be skinny. "Hi, my name is Daniel and I have a 38" waist." Most days I can look in the mirror without wanting to lean over the commode and regurg my breakfast. It's gotten better for me. Hopefully it will for you too!

I'm with you in spirit! Thank you for your honesty and bravery.


the girL said...

Love to you Friend D.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

Sending good vibes your way!!!