11 December 2008

swallow this whole

This post is for Friend D because we don't talk enough and he's always posting such insightful comments and because I really am grateful to have him back in my life. Love you D.

I am finally coming out of my intense period of introspection to find that I am basically the same person who went into it. Nothing significant has changed but maybe that wasn't the point. Smaller might actually be bigger. The question of, "what do you do now that you've accomplished your goals (and then some)," not fully answered but just there - staring you in the face so that you have to at least address it. I guess you make new goals is what I've come up with. Once you reach this place in life where you aren't so much growing up but just growing it's harder to think about goals.

Maybe we are naive to think that there has to be more. Maybe less is more. Our fighting to survive isn't about the threat of livelihood. Our fight is more about finding outlets which will define our character, our nature. We have the creature comforts we need on a day to day basis but somehow for us, that is not enough. Others may say we are spoiled for thinking this way and not accepting what we have as sufficient. But I say no, we are not - because each and every day we are thankful for the pieces of our lives. The moment you forget you are owed nothing in this world is the moment you lose everything.

So now I'm going to focus more on the small. I want to fill my life with the pieces of the 100 things on my list; knitting, traveling, French, painting, writing, etc. I want to have fulfillment beyond these four walls - I want to fill in my soul. I think that means getting out of my brain for a while and just feeling. Maybe just being. Kant may have something there...

Reading back on my blog I realize this is a continues cycle, some times great and some times minute but always coming back around. I'm positive it's not over but maybe just at the apsis of my circle of angst. It's nice to know I'm not just floating out there alone what with my inner turmoil!

By the by, I think librarianship has you written all over it. I'm loving it! Wishing you an over-flowing stocking this holiday season XOXO

1 comment:

Daniel Vasey said...

Darling, you are the best! I agree 100% with everything you wrote. The tough lesson isn't learning what you should be doing...it's learning who you should be being. Brutal but also glorious.