i fucking miss you

I don't know where you are in this world but I do know that you are in my heart.

Sometimes it feels like we're all floating out here on our own, alone. We reach out and no one reaches back or they don't reach far enough. But sometimes the problem is that we aren't reaching far enough... yea, that's the problem. Try harder and don't let it hurt you so much when they don't try as hard. That's life baby.

I'm sad today. I'm sad for a friend I lost 4 years ago. I'm sad for a friend I lost last year. I'm also sad for the friends I've drifted away from in the past 4+ years. I'm awful at returning phone calls & emails and I know I should try harder. I should be the planner, the instigator. But I am not. And I feel it's emptiness.

If we are or were friends please know that I love you and that I miss you, today and always. If you ever need anything I will be that person you can count on, I promise. ALWAYS. I'm sorry we have been carried by the currents of our lives, apart. I would promise to try harder but I don't want to disappoint either of us.

So in the absence of the usual circle of love, My Heart and I will get on bikes and ride the shit out of them tonight. We may not be in Venice but know that our hearts are.

XOXO

http://www.yorkrules.com/anthony/

this tired heart

A friend once told me that content was the worst way to go through life. I've since gone from believing her to being content. And right now I'm getting a little fed up with content.

My Heart doesn't have a steady gig and so he has all this freedom. The freedom to work from home or to not even work should he feel the desire to lounge around or the need to do yard work. The freedom to take the dogs for a walk and grill up hot dogs on the back deck for lunch. If you can't already tell, I am envious of this freedom. I mean, who wouldn't be?

But I have the 9 to 5 and I have the paycheck coming in week after week and I have the responsibility of making sure the mortgage is paid. Or do I? I put it on myself, I know I do. I also add to my list of duties, the need to make it all alright. As irrational as I want to be (and as I am in my head), I tell everyone else that it's going to be just fine in the end.

And so I'm tired. I can't fix it all. I can't ease everyone's minds. I can't balance the weight of the world on these shoulders. I just need a break. PLEASE!? I guess that's why today I picked up this old blog. So it would be my fix, my ease and something to carry me.

Also, to fight the contentment I think I need to try and focus on things that make me happy. Being creative has always been something I wished I was but you know what? I can take a damn good picture if I know how to use the camera. So I'm gonna learn how to use my camera. And I can write a damn good paragraph if I just sit down and do it. So I'm gonna pick this blogging thing back up and try to do it more regularly, more personally. Maybe...

the littlest brother

And then there were four...

We love him but Moose is quite a handful right now! Puppies take so much time and energy which wouldn't be so bad if we weren't still trying to clean up the flea problem. Right now Little Bear is not his biggest fan but I'm sure that with time they are going to be best of friends. I mean, how can you not love that face!?

it was the best of times

It’s been one hell of a week…

Last weekend we made a quick stop at the Burbank Animal Shelter on our way to Target, and immediately we fell in love with a big pit bull terrier mix named Rufus. We went home and hummed and hawed over whether to adopt him or not. The decision was that on Monday I would take a long lunch and we would go back to the shelter to make a final decision (leaning toward yes at this point). But Monday morning I decided to check the Lacy Street Animal Shelter website to see who might want to come home with us from there (it’s right by our house). Lo and behold, there was Escalations… a sweet little Chihuahua mix puppy around 5 months old that we had met in June. When we first met him he had just been brought to the shelter and there was evidence of an owner so he was not up for adoption. A month later, no one had claimed him so there he sat waiting for us. Sad news for Rufus, Tuesday morning we went in and adopted Escalations. (But Matt has promised me that if Rufus doesn’t find a home and they are threatening to put him down we will foster him until we find him a forever home!)

What also happened Tuesday morning is that we woke up to what looked like dirt where Krunchy had been sleeping – our bed. After the adoption, Matt took Krunchy to the vet only to find out that he had fleas. I headed home early from work in order to help clean the house from head to toe and get rid of this damn infestation. The cats were quarantined to a bathroom and the dog to the kitchen after being treated with medication (Escalations would be at the vet until Wednesday afternoon). Matt and I scrubbed, vacuumed, washed, sprayed, bombed, dusted, mopped and cleaned the house until 2 in the morning. We said good night to all the kids in quarantine and headed off to a restless night of sleep. The next morning we were awake by 6am only to find new flea dirt on our clean sheets. Everything we had done apparently wasn’t enough. Matt got in touch with Orkin and I went to check on the kitties. And then chaos ensued… the cats were not in the bathroom where we had left them and the screen to the small and very high bathroom window was taken off the track and pushed open. They escaped! In a panic I ran outside in my pajamas with Matt hot on my heels. We frantically called for the cats. A faint meow came from a plastic garden bench we use for storage on the front porch. Mustard was found. But Krunchy would be much more elusive than that. I walked up and down our street, calling for Krunchy while tears streamed down my face. Matt and I were sure we would never find him. Matt had taken off his collar when applying the flea medication the day before. Now he was just a nameless black cat among the masses of stray cats in our neighborhood. We were panicked but came up with a plan to comb the area. Just then a stranger approached walking her dogs, Matt ran over to ask her if she’d seen our black cat. When I joined the conversation I realized it was someone I knew through work oddly enough, Jenni from Pixwel (didn’t even know she lived in the area). She had not seen our cat. It was at this point that I heard another meow in the distance. I abruptly left the conversation and ran in the direction of the sound. It was Krunchy! He came back to us! I don’t know where he had been but he was ready to come home. With that crisis averted we decided it was best to board all the animals at the vet while we continued to fight our flea problem.

The kids were all sent to the vet. Escalations had been renamed to Moose and would be staying at his vet until Friday. The Orkin man came and sprayed. Matt and I cleaned one last time. And now all our kids are back home, including Moose. The house is clean, our backs are sore but we think the fleas are all gone. Can’t wait to get home tonight and see my family! Happy Friday XOXO

P.S.
Pictures of Moose will come this weekend!

P.P.S.
Apparently it wasn't new flea dirt in our bed the next morning but old flea dirt stains (flea dirt is flea poop, fleas eat blood, flea poop is essentially blood)! Uh, guess we over-reacted just a bit... better safe than sorry though :-)

get it off of me

I have been trying to stay far away from any of the oil spill news. It makes me so angry and so terribly sad that I just cry. This was on twitter this morning... people don't even realize it's oil they're letting their children play in.

the tiniest of tinies

Isn't this a gorgeous photo? It's my maternal grandparents (on the left). They were so young with so much life ahead of them!

Right now my sweet grandpa is in the hospital with pancreatitis. They need to operate but are unable to as of yet. Sometimes I hate when life happens.

off to a roaring start

Ugh, spinning class is hard! A co-worker invited me to try out this class at a new gym that opened up near our houses. The class was free, I was going to have familiar company and I hadn't worked out in a while so I agreed to go. I was nervous & excited last night so I had a hard time falling asleep. And of course I needed to be up by 6am in order to eat, get ready and be there on time.

Then this happened...






(My photos were also published on The Eastsider LA!)

I was awoken around 1am by the panic of the dog, the shine of the helicopter search light and the sirens. I didn't think anything of it at first but the fire engines just kept coming, that's when I got out of bed to see if I could tell what all the fuss was about. Sure enough, the hillside behind our house was on fire. It wasn't close enough to threaten our house and no other homes were damaged. It was out by 2am but still not sure what started the darn thing.

Even with the roar of the helicopters I managed to get some sleep and make it to my first ever spin class this morning. So glad I did, although my butt may not agree with that statement!

the doctor will see you now

My Heart is about to leave on a 2 to 3 week road trip with his dad so I'm gonna be home with the kids and some extra time on my hands. I'm thinking the decorating of our now one year old home has been on hold long enough and I'm looking forward to spending some time on it. I was looking for an old metal cabinet to put in the entry way and I found this:

via Neiman Marcus

It's way out of my price range and it's not old but I am in love with it anyway. I might have to start saving my pretty pennies for this!

I also want to check out a local place called Twenty Gauge - Vintage American Steel Furniture which features this lovely on it's order page:

Again, this place seems pretty pricey but it's all old so I at least wanna go have a look around. Wish I new more used furniture places in LA...

happy birthday to us

I love it when humans are nice to each other!



Thank you @MrBradStevens

the future has past

There was a time when I knew I wanted to be in LA. I think I needed to be in LA. And so one day, shortly after graduating from college, I gave my 2 weeks notice and told my friends and family I would be leaving for LA at the end of that 2 weeks. And I did.

I moved here without a plan or a place to stay. Luckily I had 2 amazing friends that helped me out. One I met because I went to college with the other. Friend KC and I hung out a couple times when he came up to visit us, staying at the dorms with Friend MCRT (aka California Matt). California Matt and I had film and production classes together and his sweet nature drew me to him. I graduated before he did and left him behind in Colorado.

When I arrived in sunny California I was alone. But Friend KC was a phone call away and he let me and my cat stay with him for a couple of weeks. After those 2 weeks when I still didn't have a place of my own, California Matt's mom, Disney Nancy, let me stay on her couch. There I quickly bonded with California Melissa (Matt's younger sister), feeling her fill the void of my own little sisters a thousand miles away.

Ten years later I find that I've left that life behind me, sometimes wondering what happened to them all. Of course with the use of FB I've found Friend KC and today being his birthday, posted a greeting on his wall. That's were I saw California Melissa's name and a mention of her brother. The kindness all came flooding back to me...

So here in this random and convoluted way I'm trying to say thank you to those I've met and lost along the way. Your help has enabled me to get where I am today and for that I will be eternally grateful.

my adopted kids

USPS Stamps to the Rescue

I just ordered 3 books and I encourage you to do the same. All of our "children" have been rescued from the streets or adopted from a shelter. There are so many in need out there, why not? And we all need a stamp now and again... do your part.

and then there was none

...love Maegan just tweeted this:



How GORGEOUS is that bag!? Ah, to have ridiculous amounts of money...

round #792

In honor of My Heart tonight is gonna be a fiesta of sorts... $1.75 margaritas at Dona Rosa in Pasadena. Followed by a lovely sushi dinner with friends tomorrow night. We might even top it off with this deliciousness on Sunday night:

Hope everyone stops to enjoy life this weekend!
XOXO

another day another $

I'm gonna post soon... I think. Got stuff piling up. Piling? That looks funny.

Still gotta show you guys our Christmas tree! That's how far behind I am in posting.

Then there was NYC.

And Vegas.

The Vertigo.

And now the foxtail.

Since there are no pictures to go along with The Vertigo I shall share...

It started in Vegas but apparently what they say isn't so true. It came home with me and stayed there for about a week. My world was spinning. My head hurt. My stomach, not so happy. Doctor said it was vertigo. Ugh. I'd never had it before. It was intense. Stayed home, laid down, didn't drive, barely ate, slept a lot. It's about 97% gone. Some things still make me a bit dizzy now when they wouldn't have before. But I'm back at work and driving my own car again. So all is well in the land of red.

bring out the belles

WARNING: This is going to be random!

Why are hair stylists so afraid to cut bangs? I know what I like and they never seem to trust me when I ask for bangs. Weird.

So I'm headed to Vegas this weekend. I'm really looking forward to this mini vacay (with the girls!). Hoping to get a head start on the traffic by leaving around Noon tomorrow as Aspect has the day off in observation of Good Friday. Also weird (the day off that is, for this industry anyway).

Recently purchased a couple of amazing dresses for a couple of weddings coming up real soon. I can't believe how quickly this year is going by. Where did March go!? Anyway, so here they are but I'm not gonna tell you which one's for what wedding in case you're gonna be there!

(BCBG MAXAZRIA)

(J. CREW)

Oh, I also bought this gorgeous necklace and may or may not wear it to BOTH weddings!

(BCBG MAXAZRIA)

I love playing dress up! Happy April everyone! XOXO

let's save her

Remember: it's not about what country you're from - it's about what planet you're from. Tomorrow at 8:30pm Local Time (wherever you may be) is Earth Hour. Please join me and many others in this campaign for change by turning off all non-essential lights.

LIGHTS OFF – THE FIRST VIDEO CONTROLLED BY YOUR LIGHT SWITCH | My Earth Hour

it's good to be regular

Chatroulette is the latest internet sensation. I can't say I quite understand it as it mostly just creeps me out but how awesome would it be if this happened when you logged on!?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

(thanks for the link My Heart!)

reigning flowers

When I'm not 100% my best and I just want to crawl back into bed and let the day pass, I know there are 2 things I can pull out of the closet to make me feel better... shoes and a handbag! Recently I've been playing it safe by wearing ballet flats more often than not so I was thinking I might be in the market for a pair of wedge sandals for the impending days of sunshine. I'm also thinking a wonderful flower tote ala the past couple of Valentino Spring collections would be an amazing addition. What do you think?

(click on the image to be taken to the Valentino Spring 2010 accessories page)

Unfortunately all these gorgeous totes are a bit out of my price range. So I'm thinking of a compromise. How about the beautiful petal design in a more budget friendly clutch instead?

(click on the image to be taken to Nine West where you can purchase this clutch)

Funny how my pictures of the big bags are so small and the picture of the little bag is so large!

not a size 8

I want to wax poetic about this thing or that but right now I just can't. I can tell you that I've got pictures so old and piled up, sitting on my camera waiting to be posted and written about. I've got a folder in my email marked "blog fodder" full of images slowly going out of style. There are movies being viewed and there is music filling the silence. But none of that comes to mind right now. Because the highs wouldn't be so great if there weren't a few lows and I might be falling down.

bare legs and all

I stopped the meds and today I let the sun in. Work has been busy but for some reason the mornings/lunch time are fairly peaceful. I haven't taken the chance of going out to lunch just in case of a dragon sized problem. But today was different...

I last took a pill on Sunday. Sunday I watched about 15 hours of television only getting out of the house to go pick up tacos and frozen yogurt for dinner. It was an awful waste of a day and was not my intention at all.

Monday I didn't take a pill.

Tuesday I didn't take a pill even after a minor break down at the end of the day.

Wednesday I still didn't take a pill and I got up before work with enough time to eat breakfast, take the dog out, take a very short run and FULLY get ready for work and still arrive at the office by 9:30am. This is the first time in 2 and 1/2 weeks this has happened. I kept pushing my sleep time later and later until I was rising with mere minutes to get ready and out the door and to the office by 10am. And that energy lasted all day.

This morning I am 3 days in without a pill. I made egg whites & turkey bacon for breakfast. I ran for 25 minutes. I shaved my legs before showering and then put on a skirt for work. I was in the office by 9:45 (there was some needed dilly dallying with My Heart that delayed me!). For lunch I walked to get a sandwich and ate it in the sun while reading a book.

Goodbye Winter. I loved you and I will miss you. Welcome Spring! This year I will not see you as impending doom but instead I will give you a hug.

XOXO