what the bottle can do

So I have been in a self imposed exile the past week or so. Having too much on my mind and wanting to deal with it alone I felt it best to stay away from the blog. Knowing me I would let too much out and the innocent would get hurt.

Well, after enough truth serum it all came tumbling out of me anyway and I am no longer dealing with my shit alone. It's a new beginning.

And with that, here I am ready to blog again. Hope you missed me.

as the earth makes another rotation

This is a big week of birthdays for my friends. I apologize to some of you for not sending well wishes earlier - I make no excuses.

Bestie G - I hope this next decade of your life brings you everything you could ever want. You are amazing and you deserve the best in life.

Friend D - I'm so glad to be back in touch with you. You are a charming, witty, sarcastic bitch and I love you for it.

Friend DB - I'm lucky to have you as my wing man but don't let it go to your head.

Friend T - In LA family tradition I believe we owe you a dinner when you get back from your European romp. Hope you're having a great time.

Co-worker M - I'm not mad that you're leaving me with all your work while you go celebrate your birthday for 5 days but you will be missing out on cake as we're still going to party whether or not you're here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS!!!
XOXO

this is my closet

It's officially summer and I hate it.

I hate the heat. I hate my summer wardrobe. I hate the sunshine. I hate the longer days.

With that said... Happy Summer!

I'm looking forward to this being the summer of the tan.
I love my new even shorter and sassier (now with great color) haircut.
I can't wait for summer vacation (thank god it's going to be in the land of winter).
And I'm going to end this summer a new person.

Ok, so here's the deal...
When My Heart and I started dating I was a slimmer and healthier me then I had been since the end of college. I've always been - let's say - curvy. I've gone through some bigger stages and I've been able to slim down when I've tried. My trying however, hasn't been in the healthiest of ways. I've gone to extremes and it wasn't pretty. 3 years ago I was alone and happy but that also meant I could do whatever I wanted to my body and nobody would ever know. 3 years ago I started dating My Heart and that all changed.

I've long since screwed up my metabolism and dating someone with the metabolism of a giraffe really messed with my head. He can eat an entire pizza in one sitting and still lose weight while I just look at the pizza and gain 5 pounds. I didn't pay much attention to this until I realized I had put on about 40 pounds in less than a year. Albeit there were emotional reasons I'm sure fueled the fire but my eating and laziness mixed with no more drastic measures did not look good.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life but I have never been as fat as I am now. Yes, I said it, I AM FAT. I've been working on changing that but it's been hard. I have joined a gym, I see a trainer 3 times a week on most weeks, I have tracked my food and exercise on SparkPeople. I know that the only way to fix this is through hard work and dedication but I hate that I feel so alone. My Heart has no idea what it's like to struggle with weight and body image issues. I have girlfriends who can relate but aren't currently in the same boat as I am nor have they ever been. The only one who really knows my pain is so far away.

That is, I was alone until last week. I had one of the most touching conversations on this issue with a male friend of mine, ME. Someone I never realized was wanting or needing this change like I am. He and I have made a pact to help each other through this misery once and for all. We realize it won't be easy - we're not even in the same country right now. But we've agreed to keep each other motivated and hold each other accountable. Set goals and actually reach them or else!

So here I am, laying it all out on the line for anyone and everyone to read. I'm going to do this. I am done being fat. I will run that 5k in September. I will reach a healthy weight by the end of this year. I will do this so that I can raise a family and be around to see them grow up. I will do this so My Heart will always think I'm the most beautiful. I will do this for Friend ME. I will do this for me.

how do we know we can fix it

My 3 days are up and you know what, I do feel better. "These things happen..."

It's amazing the support that comes if you let it when you're in that dark little hole.

Walking to get a smoothie and some sun with Friend DB.

The comments from Aunt M & Friend D that made me smile in the midst of it all. D - I especially liked the "taco" comment... laughed my ass off because of course I didn't see it that way at all but the minute I read it out loud realized how right you were!

Received the best video message from Friends C & J who are currently living in Australia. It was sweet and pure and loving and it was exactly what I needed from them after months of feeling their absence. It made me laugh and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you guys.

Then there was the connection that happened yesterday. Friend ME is working in London for an extended period of time and he touched base via IM yesterday. The usual chit chat turned more serious when the question of what is currently reality in our lives came up. It was nice to feel that connection and that understanding with someone, someone I'd never realized was in the same boat as I am. So #16 on the to do list will be tackled with the love and support and camaraderie of Friend ME.

And My Heart, I know your efforts are sincere and I appreciate every last bit of you reaching out to me even when the darkness has no real explanation.

Thank you all for the love and for being who you are - I love you!

not even a taco can fix it

I have been grumpy for 2 days. I don't know why - I am not PMSing thank you very much. I am just grumpy.

Yesterday at our finishing meeting I got annoyed with the boys talking about the stupid Lakers and not being concerned enough with the actual finishing that was going on. I'm glad the Lakers lost. Now we all need to get serious and worry about the work that's going to happen while I'm away on vacation.

I took that annoyance home to My Heart and he had to put up with it for the night. Sorry my love... it wasn't you, it's me.

Today I feel like everyone's lazy. Don't they want to go that extra mile for their job? For me?

I'm going to try and work this anger out at the gym tonight and not take it home again. I really need to get over myself. In the mean time, I'm going to take the advise of Friend D's mom...

KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS

the next step

#1 Adopt a child

#16 Get to a healthy weight

#32 Skydive and/or bungie jump

#13 Get a ½ sleeve tattoo of my tree of life

#24 Paint something for someone on canvas

when it all falls into place

My mentor, my teacher, my father... thank you for all you have given me in life.

The confidence to try anything I've set my mind to.

The pride in knowing that I can be the best.

The drive to compete at the same level as all the tough boys out there.

The love that never ends even when I feel like a failure.

Being a Daddy's Girl growing up I always wanted to please my Dad. I played sports. I excelled in academics. I volunteered. I participated in anything I found slightly interesting. Because of all this I am a successful, independent and happy person. I am me today because of what my Dad has taught me over the years. Thank you Dad. I love you. Happy Fathers Day!

gettin' my boy on

My Heart's father is flying in from Chicago today. He's only staying the weekend but we've got some fun plans. We'll be headed to Pismo Beach to ride ATVs. I've done the ATV thing with him before at Hungry Valley and had a blast. I'm looking forward to some good times.

Oh, and I may be an LA girl but I am tired of the Lakers -

GO CELTICS!

the jury is in

So I didn't find my perfect dress and I'm not going with the red accessories.
Instead I will do a simple black number with these new kicks...


(Thank you Daniel for the BCBG tip!)

At least I have something special to wear to my first Key Art Awards. It's really just nice to finally be going. I hear it can get boring but after being snubbed for 8 years by one company, it's nice to be invited after only 8 months with my new company. Wish us luck!

when nordstrom doesn't work

UGH!!!

I can not find the perfect dress to wear to tomorrow night's Key Art Awards. I just need a cute little cocktail dress that doesn't make me look like a) a house, b) a mom or c) a hooker.

I'm really into red right now but hoping to actually find something in that color or that can be coordinated with it - now that's pushing it. I'll probably just go with something black I already own and put some red accessories with it. There's no fun in that but at least it gets the job done.

Some times shopping can be so frustrating.

I did find a new pair of sunglasses yesterday during my dress hunt. Fossil's Alexie:


I just need to do something about all that bling on the side of them...

inhaling the oxygen

I'm still exhausted...

I worked until 4:30 in the morning on Friday night (into Saturday morning) which is fine by me because I get paid overtime, it doesn't happen all the time and I was prepared for last week to be very busy. The only problem was that I had a pretty booked weekend so there wasn't much time to catch up on sleep.

Saturday we went to the Dodger game because they were playing the Cubs and most of my friends are Cubs fans. Not to mention My Heart is from Chicago. The Cubs lost and the guy behind us didn't shut his trap for more than 2 minutes at a time (no exaggeration either - I know more about him than I do my own friends) but we had a great time and it's always nice to hang with the crew. Beer count = 3

We then headed downtown for the evening. There is this parking lot we always park in when we go to the Geffen Contemporary at MOCA and there is a restaurant next to that lot we have always wanted to try - Weiland's Brewery. It was delicious and we were there during happy hour. Beer count = 3

The main attraction Saturday night was CineMOCA which is an ongoing summer event at the Geffen location of MOCA showing various documentaries under the stars downtown. Saturday's was a screening of Underground Forces (punk and new wave music doc) featuring a music set by special guest Henry Rollins. Turns out music set means he plugged in his iPod and mingled amongst the rest of us - which was cool in it's own way but not what we expected at all. Beer count = 1

The best part of Saturday, 7 beers was exactly the number I needed.

Sunday was spent in the sun working with Project Angel Food during Christopher Street West. I started my morning with them at 9am and ended the day at 7pm. I was an official chef on the parade float which was fun (saw trainer Bob from The Biggest Loser in the crowd) and then got to partake in the festival for a couple of hours before going to work the booth. Pictures of the float to come...

Like I said, I'm still exhausted.

no headaches here

Three Good Things Today:

1. Had flowers sent to someone
   
2. Nachos and Margarita lunch with D & D
3. This being my 100th blog entry!!!

(Thanks for the Idea American Aussie)

Happy 100!

lifting the fog juice

I have been removed from the world that is blog. My work and personal life are barely fitting into 24 hours per day... sleep is suffering, exercise is suffering and my blog is suffering. Sad, I know. I will catch you all up slowly but surely.

My Heart had a dream that we was at a movie premiere hanging out with Jack Black. When he recounted the details of this dream he said how happy he was in it. Even though I was slowly falling into a slumber of my own it made me smile.

I then had a dream that A wrote a secret memoir before he died. I was reading it and going to these places he had been, investigating this almost double life he was living that none of us knew about. The details are foggy now - I was there but I wasn't as people and places unfolded turning things too bizarre for words. It made me feel my own special connection - to see this, what he had experienced.

Old and distant friend M from the original LA crew recently lost her mother... love to you M and wish you safety and warmth.

resistance is fine i guess

Apparently you can get free hot dogs at Pink's today between 12 & 2pm. I've never had a Pink's hot dog but they are somewhat of a Los Angeles legend. I hear we have Tori & Dean to thank...

It's also National Doughnut Day and Krispy Kreme is celebrating with a free doughnut of your choice.

And last but certainly not least (especially on my list!) is Crumbs Bake Shop. To celebrate the opening of their newest location on Larchmont they are giving away 1000 free cupcakes but it started at 8am so most likely if you're not already in line you are SOL my friend.

Have a HAPPY Friday and a fun filled weekend.

not even on the payroll

Have you tried these!?

OMFG - I think they are so amazingly delicious.
It's a tragedy they are only for a limited time.

flipping through the glossy

I LOVE the magazine Real Simple.

Actually, I'm a magazine lover in general. I just feel so guilty subscribing to them because of the paper waste. I'm really tempted to start a subscription to Real Simple though.

I'm sure there are a few we could cancel and not miss. We are currently receiving Wired, Dwell, Juxtapoz, Entertainment Weekly, Maxim and Shape... I think that's all of them. We used to get Interview and some days I really miss it but I need to learn to let go. What else should I let go of?

Wired: We get if for free but I can't remember why. It's a fun read but I'm sure it will run out eventually and we won't renew it.

Dwell: I love to see all the great designs and now that we're looking to buy a house it may come in handy. Since it comes free with our MOCA membership I will eventually cancel it and let that money go directly to them.

Juxtapoz: I love this magazine but don't take full advantage of it - I feel like I should be going to check out more local art. My Heart bought the subscription for me as a birthday present a couple of years ago but I think I will let it lapse.

Entertainment Weekly: I need to close a bank account and once I do that there will be no more - it gets renewed automatically from that account. I look forward to Fridays as this is one of my favorites to read. It's simple fun. Maybe I'll keep it.

Maxim: This is My Heart's so we won't touch it!

Shape: I don't use this as much as I thought I would but I do enjoy reading it. I probably won't renew it.

Well, it seems like there are a few I am ready to give up in exchange... I wonder if reading Real Simple online would be as satisfying? I'll have to test that out before I commit to a paper copy.

when the elves come out to play

Over the weekend I worked on the construction of a parade float. It was actually a lot of fun. It's great to be crafty but man do I have a lot to learn. There were 2 girls there with some major skills. It was pretty inspiring.

I spent the day building a giant stove out of cardboard boxes and an industrial sized mixer out of a plant potter, poster board and tin foil. My favorite part was the spray painting though. I really want to find some projects of my own that involve spray painting. I think I could be really good at it.

A friend of mine recently agreed to teach me how to weld (another thing I have always wanted to do). Maybe with the combo I can create some great pieces. The possibilities would be endless. How exciting to work with my hands!